


i really can't stay

by groupieforbucky



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Parents, Swearing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:47:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29863164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/groupieforbucky/pseuds/groupieforbucky
Summary: desperate not to have another thing slip away from him, bucky goes against your wishes one last time
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Kudos: 18





	i really can't stay

**Author's Note:**

> my gift for the dark!mcu festive fic swap 2020

“i’m not…” sighing, you shut the trunk of your car, sealing up the unfamiliarly empty compartment. when you turned, bucky was still standing uncomfortably close, fists clenching and flexing at his sides. “i’m not being unreasonable, bucky. i’m just… i’m trying to give us some space, okay? maybe a few days apart is exactly what we need…”

it was a lie, you both knew it, but you couldn’t bring yourself to break it off so bluntly again. besides, the more he pushed, the more you began to wonder if this is really what you wanted. maybe just a break _would_ do you both some good. maybe…

“don’t sugarcoat it,” he bit, squeezing his eyes shut under already furrowed brows. opening them again, he turned to you with that look that could usually get you to do just about anything. “what am i supposed to do while you’re gone?” you looked away from his sad eyes, fiddling with the keys in your hand. “and then when you get back? you want me to just act like everything’s fine? that’s not how this is gonna end, and we both know it.”

the way his voice started to rise, echoing through the near-vacant parking garage, caused you to swallow harshly. it wasn’t anger, it was sadness, betrayal almost. maybe even a little confusion and frustration. somehow the combination made your decision easier and harder all at once.

“bucky… just listen to yourself, would you? you can’t even figure out what to do without me for _two days_ … this isn’t healthy. for either of us.”

at his silence, you made your way to the driver’s side door, throwing it open and slipping onto the chilled seat. just as your hand reached out to shut it, metal clinked against metal, and his fingers whirred from how tightly he was gripping the frame.

before you could complain about the indentations he was leaving behind, he looked down at you with a frown. “this is it? you’re gonna throw away four years together in the damn parking garage, on christmas eve?”

despite how badly you wanted to point out that it could have been thrown away in your shared apartment if he hadn’t followed you, you bit your tongue.

“bucky,” you choked out, clearing your throat quickly. “let go of the door.” you waited for him to calm himself, arm falling from the door, leaving the four dents where his fingers had been on display. you’d worry about getting that fixed later, all your focus going to shutting yourself in the quiet of your car.

his flesh hand rapped at the window, prompting you to crack it just an inch once you got the vehicle running. “text me when you get there.”

and then he was gone, sulking off back in the direction of the elevator. a shaky breath left your lips, hands reaching out to flip on the heated seats and wipe at your eyes. you knew this was what was best for him, best for _you_ , but it still broke your heart. maybe it really would just be a few days apart. maybe he’d sort himself out and gain some independence.

~

finally getting your luggage up the stairs and into your childhood bedroom, you collapsed onto the mattress, springs groaning beneath you from inactivity.

“wanna talk about it?”

lifting your head, you stared at your mother in the doorway for maybe a moment too long. “talk about what?”

“i’m really supposed to believe that mr. attached-at-the-hip wanted to catch up on paperwork instead of coming this year?”

it _did_ sound ridiculous, but you had to think of something to tell your parents when they opened the door with disappointed looks on their faces at bucky’s absence. the second anyone caught wind of your break, and most likely break- _up_ , the holiday would be ruined. it would no longer be about spending time together, and would become more about dodging the sympathetic looks from all sides.

“we just… needed to take some time to think,” you confessed, sitting up just as she plopped down beside you. already you felt lighter just getting it off your chest. “don’t tell dad, please. he was probably more in love with bucky than he is with you.”

you shared a laugh before your mother placed a hand on your knee. “‘was’?” she tried, that sympathetic look you were trying to avoid coming over her features. “sounds like all the thinking has been done.”

you shrugged childishly, fitting for your current environment, and looked at her. “i guess maybe it has, but… i don’t know… some part of me is still hoping a little time away will fix this.”

“fix what?”

her question somehow reminded you that bucky had asked for you to text him when you got there, and you reached into your purse for your phone. “he’s very attached, you obviously know that,” you started, sending a short text to bucky, the little heart next to his name glaring at you. “i feel like i’m suffocating sometimes. it was sweet at first, you know? him always wanting to be around me, being showered in his affection all the time… but now it’s just…”

“overwhelming?” she finished, getting a nod from you.

“worrying, too. i don’t want him to lose himself in me. he needs to be his own person. _i_ need to be my own person, and the more he latches on, the more of myself i feel slipping away, too.”

you both sat there for a moment, your mother taking it all in. just as she went to respond, the doorbell sounded through the house, your father’s voice following it in a call of ‘ _i got it!_ ’

groaning, you looked to your mother in annoyance. “i thought you said it would just be us tonight!”

“it was supposed to be!” she countered, standing from your bed to poke her head out into the hall. “i thought _you_ said he was staying behind?”

“what?” you squawked, rushing to her side to see bucky chatting away with your father, duffle bag and suitcase in hand. “fuck… why is he here?” your mother’s hand fell onto your shoulder just as bucky looked up at you from the bottom of the stairs. “don’t tell dad,” you pleaded to the woman next to you, “let me talk to him first.”

“okay,” she offered, voice a little hesitant as she stepped around you to make her way down the stairs. you took the few moments of solitude to try and figure out what exactly was going on. obviously ‘time apart’ wasn’t part of the super soldier’s vocabulary…

it made your blood boil. this was absolutely the last straw. not ten minutes ago, you were still considering working things out, still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. and now this? just the thought of how quickly he’d shown up behind you had your hands balling into fists. he must have left right after you, leaving just enough of a gap for him to load up his own luggage and trail you like he was trained to do.

“honey, come give me a hand, will you?”

his voice alone grated on your nerves like sandpaper, and it took all your strength to force a smile onto your lips for your parents. starting down the wooden steps, you sneered, “i thought you were staying behind to work on some things?”

with a grin a mile wide, he wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you into his side, lips grazing your temple. “that lasted all of about five minutes,” he laughed, pulling back to stare into your eyes. “knew i wouldn’t be able to live with myself if i stayed behind this year.”

the bitterness oozed off of his tongue, dripping down your spine, forcing a shiver through you. trying to keep your face neutral, you wrapped a hand around the straps of his duffle bag, motioning for him to grab his suitcase.

at the click of the door, you turned to him, steam nearly exploding from your ears. “what the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

nonchalantly unpacking his toiletries, bucky spared you a glance over his shoulder. “spending the holidays with my family. same thing i do every year.”

“no… no! i told you that i needed some time to myself! if you would have just stayed home, maybe we could have worked this out! now, i’m…”

“you were never gonna work things out with me,” he started, facing you fully now. “i knew the second you sat me down that was the end. i’m okay with it, really.” his eyes fell to the nail polish stain that you could never quite get out of the carpet. “i mean… i’m not okay with it, but i guess i’ll have to be. i just want this one last thing. i want one last good memory with you and your folks…”

“bucky… this isn’t going to be a good memory, don’t you get that?” the sight of him slumped in on himself made you sigh defeatedly. “i’m not going to kick you out and cause more of a scene, but this is it, bucky. i can’t do this with you anymore. you need to…”

“be my own person? i’m working on it, okay?” his eyes caught the harsh yellow light of your desk lamp, shimmering with tears he was fighting to hold back. “please, doll… just let me have this, then i’ll let us go.”

“okay.”

~

“do you…” laughter interrupted your father’s question, his eyes sparkling against the lights of the tree. “do you remember when you two first came up? you got stuck in that snowstorm?”

beside you, bucky nodded happily, squeezing your arm to try and ignite some shared nostalgia for that road-trip to your parents’ the first year you were serious enough to bring him. the memory _was_ a pleasant one; you’d called your dad in a panic, shouting down the line that you and your boyfriend were ‘stranded’ on the side of the road, unable to see two feet in front of you. bucky was completely cool about the entire ordeal, giggling at you like a child. you knew why the second he climbed into the backseat and winked at you.

“i thought this one was gonna pass out on me,” bucky’s voice broke you out of the fog you were in, face hot from the memory as his arm gently shook you.

“well, it wasn’t exactly the best way to spend christmas eve, so…” you were trying to keep up the act, you really were… it was just hard. and the sudden desire to recount stories from the past four years wasn’t helping. surrounded by decorations, some of them older than you, a cheesy holiday movie playing in the background, overly sweet cookies on a plate in bucky’s lap… your stomach was in knots.

because for the first time since making up your mind, you began to realize just what ending the relationship would mean. and you’d miss this. miss _him_. a small part of you even started to feel guilty, screaming at yourself that you were just another person taking something away from him. after all he’d lost, you were robbing him of one more piece of happiness.

you sat there for what was realistically hours, but if anyone were to ask, you wouldn’t know if it was all night or just a few minutes. bucky’s arm around your shoulders felt nice, his fingers dancing along your skin felt natural, easy. there were a few moments where you even felt yourself nodding off, startled by a loud laugh or the rumble of bucky’s chest beneath your cheek.

“you ready to turn in?” he asked, lips against your forehead. all you could do was nod, letting him guide you up to your old room with calls of ‘ _goodnight_ ’ over your shoulders. he dropped his hold on you the second your door shut, breathing out, “i know. i’m taking the floor.”

“well, i wasn’t gonna ask you to, but okay.”

by the time you collected yourself in the bathroom, bucky was curled up under a throw, quiet snores sounding from him. it made you think back to when it would take hours to get him to even stop fidgeting, let alone actually fall asleep. now he was out like a light in a matter of minutes, even on a hard old carpet.

shutting off your lamp, you crawled under the covers, sheets freshly washed with the same detergent your mother had been using for as long as you could remember. tonight, it was you that kept tossing and turning, little huffs leaving your lips every time you found your current position uncomfortable. angrily, you rolled over to face the lump on the floor beside you, glaring down at the blissful pout to his lips, eyelids shut happily. and then suddenly your own eyelids began to feel heavy and your muscles relaxed.

~

a warmth against your cheek woke you, deep intake of some kind of sweet scent invading your senses. when your eyes finally opened, bucky was standing over you, a plate of waffles in his hand.

“buck, you know i don’t like eating as soon as i wake up…”

“they’re not for you,” he laughed, seating himself beside you on the bed. “i was sent to come check on you. since it’s quarter to ten already.”

that got your attention, suddenly wide awake. usually you were up and downstairs opening presents and having breakfast by eight. sending a glare bucky’s way, you hurried into the bathroom, eager to be around your parents again to act as somewhat of a buffer between the two of you.

gift exchanging went smoothly, your mother exaggerating her reaction just as she did every year. then, finally, all that remained was a card and a thick, wrapped rectangle. it wasn’t a box, but it was definitely heavy when you lifted it into your lap. biting your lip, you motioned for bucky to go first. it was nothing short of a christmas miracle that you’d left the gift in your suitcase.

“it’s… you scan it with your phone,” you began when he looked at the little cluster of squares in confusion, holding the generic card it was printed on in his hand. “here…” you grabbed his phone and unlocked it, the device recognizing your face. with a few clicks, you had the custom app downloaded and turned the phone to show him. “you can use it to run a quick diagnostic on your arm. not a full one, but enough to give you an idea of what’s going on without you having to run down to the lab all the time.”

bucky took the phone from your hands in awe, looking over each button and setting, tapping a few things before a huge grin overtook his face. you tried not to make a scene when he pulled you in and kissed you, lips somehow always soft and warm against yours.

“it’s perfect, doll… thank you.”

“it’s nothing really… just something i had shuri whip up for you. i know how much it bothers you when you have to run down to the lab, only to find out you could’ve fixed something at home, so hopefully this’ll help with that…”

the room was silent for a beat, bucky’s eyes boring into yours, the card starting to bend where he clutched it too tightly. forcing a smile, you looked down to the mess of wrapping paper in your hands, beginning to tear into it. a nice quality book cover revealed itself, your names scrawled on the front in gold. the colors matched his arm. with shaking hands, you opened the cover and found your suspicions to be true.

“oh, bucky…”

“it’s nothing,” he repeated your words, laughing a little sadly. you hoped no one else could pick up on it.

page after page of pictures of the two of you; some with friends and family, some you don’t even remember taking. each one had a little caption underneath it, bucky’s telltale handwriting describing each moment before signing it with a date.

“had to go back and look in my journals to remember what was going on in a few of ‘em…”

your words caught in your throat, eyes starting to water from a mix of too many emotions for you to decipher or try to make reason of. all you could manage was a squeak before pulling him into you, burying your face in his chest to hide your expression.

~

“you don’t have to keep it.”

the voice startled you a little, just on the cusp of sleep. “what?” you whispered, suddenly feeling like you were back in high school, trying to keep your voice down when you and your friends would start gossiping.

“the photo album,” bucky clarified. “if you don’t want it anymore, that’s fine. i’d like to keep it though. it helps me remember a little…”

“i want it, bucky.”

“okay.”

and you thought that would be the end of it, until words bursted up your throat.

“i also want you to leave tomorrow morning.” before he could protest, you continued, “no. you’re leaving. come up with some excuse, i don’t care what it is. then you’re gonna go back to our… _my_ place and clear out all of your stuff. take however long you need, but i’m not coming back until you’re completely wiped from that apartment. so the sooner it gets done, the sooner you maybe might possibly see me again. if i even want to stay friends after this…”

you were more or less just thinking out loud now, rambling away as bucky watched you with an amused smile.

“i’m serious, bucky!”

“i know! i know you are…” he let out a long sigh, picking at a thread on the throw from your bed. “and i’ll do it. i won’t drag my feet either. consider it a thank you of sorts… for indulging me with this. i know i went about it all wrong, i just… i got tunnel vision, and once i got on it, i couldn’t stop… now _i’m_ rambling.”

you let the silence take over again, rolling onto your back to stare at the ceiling. that was… unexpected.

“thank you.”

~

it was still dark outside when bucky’s raspy voice lulled you awake. blinking a few times, you groaned and rolled away from him.

“i’m heading out, doll, come on.”

“fine,” you grumbled, hauling yourself out of bed to throw on a jacket and some slippers. “dad up?”

“yeah, he’s in the kitchen reading some magazine or something. i let him know i was leaving.” the two of you started out your bedroom door, your sleep-riddled arms struggling with the duffle bag he brought with him almost everywhere. it was freezing outside as you stepped out, his car parked at the end of the driveway seeming like it was miles away. “you can stay here, i’ll take everything to the car.”

“no, i’m fine.”

“your teeth are chattering, but all right.” the sly grin was audible in his voice, even with his back to you. snow crunched beneath his boots, and soaked into your light slippers. when everything was loaded into his trunk, he turned to you with his bottom lip between his teeth. “thanks.”

“hug me in case they’re watching,” you instructed, trying to convince yourself that you weren’t asking him to just to satisfy yourself. it was all for show. definitely.

“right,” bucky mumbled, wrapping his arms around you. his warmth felt good in the chill of the early morning, sun just starting to creep up over the gray night. you wanted to say that _he_ was the one lingering, but it was you, too. maybe only for the warmth, maybe because of another kind of warmth, but when you realized your fingers were clutching his jacket hard enough to make the fabric squeak, you pulled away.

it had begun to snow very lightly, little flecks of white dotting his hair. this was so cliché, it made you want to send the rights to your life off to _hallmark_.

clearing your throat, you laughed, “maybe you could get a cat after you’re on your feet and everything… a dog might be too much right away,” his fingers twitched toward yours, hands barely an inch apart, but he restrained himself. it was small, but it was something. a boundary unbroken.

“yeah, maybe. a big, fluffy white one that thinks she’s the boss.”

that made you both chuckle, your hand coming up to wipe at the snowflakes collecting along your lashes. “oh, trust me, she would be.”

a forlorn look came over his face, almost as if he suddenly realized he had nothing else to say. there was no more small talk to keep him with you. sighing, he looked to you with a small smile. “i care for you, doll.”

you knew what he really wanted to say, and you would have been fine if he _had_ said it, but this was another small step. as unnecessary as it might have been.

“i care for you, too, bucky. i always will.”


End file.
